3 Tips for Improving Communication
Many of my clients struggle with communication, in fact, that might be the main goal when entering therapy for the first time. “I want to communicate better with my partner,” for example.
It makes sense. We are often taught to use our words to tell another person what we want and need, and how we feel.
But, there’s a catch! If you don’t know what you want or need, or how you feel—then what does it mean to tell someone else?
Tip #1
Tune in to your feelings as information
It’s helpful to practice curiosity about the messages your body sends to you about you. It may help to reflect on a time when you cared for another living thing that did not have language; a plant, a pet, or an infant. Each develops its own language to communicate its needs. A plant’s leaves may wilt when it has too much sunlight or too little water. A pet may bark or sit by the door when he needs to eat or go outside. If we do not respond to these communications, the dependent will suffer.
Similar to the living things in our lives that don’t use verbal language to communicate, your body relies on it’s own communication system: emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. When these are all signaling at once, it can feel overwhelming.
Ask yourself: What are some ways I can slow it down to help me tune into these important cues?
Hint: Decrease your heart rate with 10 second breath (breathing in on odd numbers and out on even numbers OR by decreasing your temperature with cold water on your face, wrists, or neck)
Tip # 2
Identify and check distorted thoughts
Distorted thinking has become a popular phrase in the mental health world and essentially it refers to storytelling. Distorted thoughts are automatic, misinterpretations of reality. During periods of emotional intensity, these thoughts can seem like the absolute truth. These misinterpretations of our thoughts, emotions and physical sensations represent the stories we tell ourselves about our experiences and can be powerful influences on how we feel and act.
Because of their automatic nature, they can be sinister when active. Everything feels SO real and it is real on some level, but that’s for another blog post. In the moment, you’re responding to the story you’re telling yourself and not the situation you’re currently in.
“He didn’t say Hi to me because he thinks I’m weird.”
“She canceled our plans because she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”
I used to run skills groups for 10 years and I would always get so much push back when I reviewed this part. “But Rachel, you don’t know them like I do. They’re acting this way because they want to make me mad….” etc.
Here’s the deal. Unless someone actually says, “I didn’t say Hi to you because I think you’re weird” or “I canceled our plans because I don’t want to be your friend” then you have a choice between believing their response was about you or the 100 million other reasons why someone might need to cancel plans.
If you’ve ever acted on your distorted thoughts, then you know how uncomfortable it can be to react before you know the reality, get all worked up, and then find out…you were wrong 👎
Managing distorted thinking is not about never having another distorted thought. It’s normal to have an initial reaction based on past experiences and it’s possible to manage the impact on your mood and your relationships by interrupting these patterns. You can say:
“The story I’m telling myself is that you didn’t answer my call because you’re mad at me. Can you reassure me that’s not the case?”
This gives the other person an opportunity to offer you reassurance and clarify the reality. You may find you need to practice this more at the beginning and less over time as you build trust in your relationships.
Ask yourself: If a friend or someone I cared about had this thought, what would I tell them? OR Is this a story I’m telling myself?
Tip # 3
Have a conversation about the conversation
We often put pressure on ourselves in the moment to accurately identify our feelings, needs, and desires. Perhaps this pressure is also coming from a partner or colleague.
Even if you’ve been practicing this your whole life, it is still extremely difficult to respond with a neat lil’ snapshot of how you feel without at least some time to process. It’s important to remember your need to figure out what you’re feeling and the other person’s need for reassurance are separate.
I recommend having a conversation about how difficult it is to respond accurately in the moment BEFORE you’re in the moment. This may look like:
“I’m working on getting better at communication and sometimes it’s hard for me to be accurate in the heat of the moment (important question or discussion). I care about you and I want to reassure you that when I ask for space, it means I want to be thoughtful and take time to figure out how to respond. What’s the best way for me to let you know I need to take a break?”
Ask yourself: How can I make a plan that accommodates my needs and the needs of my relationship?
